My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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