Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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