Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
