..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
