is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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