Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Drunk walkin through police station. America
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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