All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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