I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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