she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Vodka?
Forever.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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