i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
