apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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