My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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