There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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