U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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