I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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