Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
