it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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