i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
