apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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