Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
