i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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