Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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