I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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