the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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