I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize