i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
