Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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