she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
