I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
People in love make me want to vomit
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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