Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
