screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
