my phone needs a breathalizer
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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