I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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