just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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