If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
