man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I wear drunk well.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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