I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
