I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we're making bets on your personal life
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
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