Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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