Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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