I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
