Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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