She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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