i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
