My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
