the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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