I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
