Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
