my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
be right there i have to get my cape
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
