He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
