I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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