At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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