Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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