grandma shit on top of the toilet
Can Purell be used as lube?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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