Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The best revenge is premature balding
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
