You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
