I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
